I weighed yesterday. My BMI is at 17.4. Hmmm....this might explain the hunger somewhat. I have read the pleasure trap. The difference with what I'm dealing with i think is that i really don't crave a specific junk food or even nuts etc. I crave calories, satisfaction. Lately, I eventually go for the nuts because my stomach is literally distended from all the veggies, fruits, yams I've crammed in and I still feel completely unsatisfied so I go for low-volume foods like nuts to get what I feel I need.
I am feeling more and more like this whole program has triggered my eating disorder in a bad way (I am not blaming the program, I'm just saying that, for me, it has almost justified my restrictive thinking). I am incredibly obsessed right now, feeling fat, even at a BMI of 17.4 and I think something needs to give.
I overate a lot yesterday, allowed myself high-calorie dense items and even some vegan, gluten free, allergen free 'junk food'.
I felt mentally relieved and finally like I could put food out of my mind.
I know I definitely need to stop restricting my calories. I know i need to go back to using hunger and fullness to guide my eating. When I first read the China Study, I felt like "wow, I want to eat this way" and I immediately switched to a vegan, whole foods diet. Then I started reading McDougall and I started cutting out more and more food...all oils, eventually all nuts, all gluten free bread...and eventually I ate only MWL because I realized that, despite not being overweight to begin with (BMI of 20.5), i was losing weight effortlessly and could lose even more if I did MWL! Then I cut out corn, soy, and most grains, and all nuts/seeds because I began sensing that they inflamed my skin. Then I started restricting my calories so I would lose even more weight. It all started so innocently, with a quest to be healthier, but eventually it has seemed to trigger the restrictive anorexic thinking that I thought I had overcome years ago. Losing weight gives me a high that is so addictive. And no amount ever seems to be enough. I am at a BMI of 17.4 and still feel 'too big' at times.
What I don't know right now is, can i live on MWL without feeling obsessed, without starving myself, without depriving myself? I did for months, and felt great, but that quickly turned into more restriction, becoming underweight etc.. At first, I had a decent amount of energy on MWL, but lately, I feel so fatigued, depressed, unsatisfied, even when I eat 2500cal of MWL food. I don't know if this is because I'm underweight, or if it's because my energy needs are quite high, but I'm starting to get sick of feeling this way.
I really feel like a lot of foods inflame my skin and stomach...I am definitely gluten intolerant, and I feel like most grains (except for quinoa) and legumes and nuts inflame me. So, for those reasons, I'd love to stick to a modified version of the MWL. I am trying to be honest with myself: do these foods really inflame me, or I just looking for an excuse to restrict more? I think i really am sensitive to them...it would make sense that I have some leaky gut symptoms because of celiac disease that went undiagnosed for years. So i think i may legitimately do best eating only my restricted MWL diet. However, restricting calories is definitely coming from an anorexic-mindset, not a heatlhy-mindset. Can I eat according to hunger and fullness and MWL and, as long as I allow myself to eat all I want, survive and thrive on that?
I feel like no one quite understands me because most of the people on this board are dealing with being overweight, or maybe do not have eating disorder issues. For me, I want to eat healthy, I want to be in control of my body, but I am scared that this program is helping me give myself permission to be anorexic and afraid of food.
The other option for my eating would be to be a whole foods vegan...allow myself to eat between hunger and fullness, but retest some nuts/seeds, grains etc and see if I could eat them without inflammation problems.
I will try the MWL, eat when I'm hungry plan first. I will stop restricting my intake, even if I feel I am overeating.
I am also really bothered by the fact that Jeff keeps saying that the body will never fight to maintain/gain weight. I just don't feel this to be true. When I am underweight, I feel obsessed with food, I feel weak, I feel un-energized. When he says we can just choose our weight by filling up on more and more veggies and fewer and fewer starches, my mind uses that as fuel for a starvation mind-set.
I also feel weak when I slip and eat nuts, because there are people on this board who have been eating MWL for years and apparently feel energized and totally satisfied. Is this because they eat to satisfaction on MWL foods? Or are they super self-controlled? Do they have lower energy needs?
Anyway, something needs to change here because I'm getting afraid of myself. I believe I'm bingeing in part because I'm underweight and my body knows I am trying to make it even smaller and it's fighting me.
I am not sure whether or not these boards are good for me to be on or not. In some ways, I think they help fuel my restrictive thinking, but I will keep coming back for now and will try to post updates.
Some to summarize...I am recognizing that my mind (and possibly my body) is not in a healthy place right now. I feel obsessed, weak, fatigued, depressed, overwhelmed, confused, warped. My body feels weak and out of control. My plan for now (though this might change in the days ahead) is to stop trying to restrict my food volume at all. If I am unsatisfied unless I eat 6 yams, so be it. I will stop fighting/controlling the number of calories I eat. So the only two rules I will follow are:
1) Eat only when truly hungry.
2) Eat only non-inflammatory, MWL foods until I'm satisfied.
Thanks for listening,