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Well, I'm all "gussied up" as they used to say right now and cooling my heels until we have to leave. There was a birth in our family (my lovely cousin had a baby boy) and, is the custom with Jewish families, there is the brit (which is sort of like the Jewish version of a christianing). So it's one of those family events that I absolutely cannot get out of.

I do NOT feel like going to this thing at all. For one thing, the brit is one of the most sexist things about the Jewish religion. The birth of a baby boy is about celebration and welcoming him into the "fold" and treating him like a prince (which is probably why so many Israeli men are arrogant SOBs - at least in my experience). The birth of a baby girl is - void. There is no equivalent ceremony. These days, many mothers (at least in Israel) do give a party but it's mainly because people give checks as gifts and the family feels its worth the expense of a party to get the checks. There's really no "celebration" aspect in it at all.

Besides that, I am going to have to see family that I am not crazy about seeing right now. I'm not in any fights or anything like that. But I have one cousin who perfectly annoys me. I'm sure every family has her - she's the "Everything in my life is perfect" person. Whenever you talk to her, it's almost as if you're talking to a damn Disney character - her husband is perfect, her kids are perfect, her job is perfect, her body is perfect, her health is perfect, her apartment is perfect (need I go on?) I often wonder just how little confidence a person like that must have, to always display herself as being perfect in every aspect. Last Saturday at my other cousin's 12th B-day party (to which I didn't go), she was bragging to my mom about how they love her so much at her work (she works for a British company), they allowed her an all expenses paid trip to London for 8 days, so she dropped her 3 kids into her husband's lap and went with a girlfriend. Now, I don't want to make judgments about this (since I'm not a parent) and I understand that kids can be a handful sometimes, but her kids are 8 and 5 - isn't that kind of young to be trepsing off to Europe for 8 days and leaving the hubby to take care of everything?

Anyway, I never believe one word she has to say and I wouldn't trust her if my life depended on it. But it will be very nice to go back to the States and not have to worry about anyone in the family thumbing their nose at what I do (because it's not "real" work) or pitying me because I don't have a husband and children and I haven't provided the necessary grandchildren to my mother (because of course, she's so weak and dependent that she needs grandchildren) and judging me because I chose to live my life in a different way than they did and, God forbid, I consider myself equally an American as an Israeli (even more so, to be honest) because everybody knows Israelis are superior to all others (I don't want to imply that all Israelis think this way, as they certainly do not. But people from my family's generation tend to think that way).

Rant over .

Well, this is a little embarrassing to talk about, but I want to post about it here.

My mom is obsessive compulsive (I mean it) about cleaning and laundry and has pretty much devoted all of her retirement to it. She wipes down the bathrooms every day, does a fairly thorough cleaning and laundry on Mondays and on Thursdays, the cleaning woman comes and along with her, they do an end-to-end very thorough cleaning and laundry, plus the backyard.

Now, I don't help with any of this, mainly because my mom knows that I have work and that cleaning is not my thing (and her standards are VERY high) and yes, I am very spoiled in that way. I do, however, collect all the laundry and lug it upstairs for her to the laundry room and I also pay half of the bill for the cleaning woman even though my in-law unit takes only about 2 of the 7 hours total that the cleaning woman is here every week. I figure that sort of compensates for my not helping her.

Anyway, I was bringing the laundry up to her and let her know. So she says to me, "oh, by the way, just so you know, the rain will taper off today and the next couple of days will be sunny. So you can take your walk."

WHAM!!! It's like I was a teenager again, with my mom butting her nose into everything that I do.

And I am ashamed to admit that I acted just like a teenager and not like a mature 40 year old woman. I said, "Mom, I can see out my window and I know how to check the weather online better than you do. I know when it's nice and when it isn't and I'LL decide if I want to go for a walk or not."

She wasn't offended, and I wasn't extremely annoyed as I would have been if I were really 14 or 16 again (only slightly annoyed), but it just epitomizes my relationship with both my parents. They are both control freaks (and I'll admit that I am as well) and since they couldn't control one another (my dad only controls my mom to a certain extent), they turned on us, the kids. When I was a teen, I didn't have a choice and I was raised to be obedient and compliant, so often times I didn't even open my mouth to say anything (I would complain to my sister instead). At age 25, when I was still living at home, I took it and shut up about it. But now I'm 40 and I've learned to open my mouth and speak up (and am learning slowly how to do it without acting like a child, though I'm still learning) and I'll be damned if I'll take it.

Just another sign that it's time for me to leave .

Regarding the brit yesterday, it was actually a good reminder for me to avoid getting an attitude problem without giving myself a chance. On the way there, I was silent and not talkative to anybody (we picked up 2 older women in their 80's on the way, one a friend of my grandmother's, the other a second cousin fo my mom's). But when we got there, my cousin (the one having the brit) was so warm and sweet and appreciative that I had come (because she knows I'm busy and something in the afternoon isn't always convenient) that it warmed me right away. The rest of the time I was much friendlier and more open (though it was a strange affair, since my cousin married an Orthodox Jew, so the women sat alone and the men sat alone) and I did enjoy myself. The food wasn't too bad in terms of MWLP. There was this vegan pot pie thing as an appetizer which I didn't eat and there was no main course for vegetarians, so I basically just ate the sides (white rice, potatoes, and a veggie mix thing), so it wasn't too off plan. We left before the coffee and dessert too.

Also, when I was putting away one of the dress pants that I wrote about earlier in a post here, I noticed that the size on it was 12 and not 14 as I thought. Now, I think it's one of those big size 12s (or stretched out), so I don't think I'm quite a size 12 yet, although it would be awesome to think that I am .

My dad and his stupid ideas. He's a chemical engineer but I swear, sometimes he acts like a 3 year old mentally challenged child with the brain of Dr. Jeckle implanted in his head.

My mom made this perfectly wonderful vegetable soup, with big chunks of veggies and a little pearl barley for flavor. I was happy because it's totally MWLP friendly and I can eat it. I have a huge migraine today so I thought some soup might calm down the nausea in my stomach. So I lifted the lid from the soup pot and... there's this green mush staring right back at me. My dad decided that he liked his soup pureed so he went and pureed the whole damn thing. Totally ruined a perfectly wonderful veggie soup (not to mention his usual egotism where he didn't even consider that my mom might like it not pureed). Reading some of the posts lately about eating whole veggies and fruits vs. pureed/blended ones, I know that the whole veggie soup would have been a lot healthier than the pureed version.

Looks like I won't be eating much of that soup...

hi there! I enjoy reading your postings, you are a great writer!! And I wanted to add, that there are plenty of sexist types in my family tree, and the boy children are the princes too. ahh, life !!

Today has not started out to be a good day at all, unfortunately (it's 9 in the morning here in Israel). I've had a migraine all weekend and last night I thought I licked it because it was totally gone. But this morning it's back with a vengeance along with some nausea. Part of it is my fault (I have not been eating well this weekend because of PMS so had stuff like cheese and chocolate last night that I know are big migraine triggers) so today I am right back on track with MWLP (which, thank goodness, is food that I can digest easily). I'm dying to make some breakfast so I can take a migraine pill (as I can't take it on an empty stomach or it will really make me nauseous) but I can't even get to my kitchen because my mom is cleaning here - AGAIN.

I also have a lot of work to do today because my students have turned in their first week's assignments and I schedule the grading for myself in a way that is manageable. There is a lot of other stuff going on around the house, though. My parents ordered a bed for the guest room and it's coming today between 9 and 1, so my dad is going to be futzing around the whole place dealing with them (he gets to play the big man of the house...) My mom has morning appointments so we can't get to the shopping we need to do until this afternoon, which I hate because afternoons are always hectic in the shops and it takes a lot longer to do the shopping and I wanted to waste as little time as possible on shopping today.

In addition, I'm just feeling completely drained and my self-confidence is very low. In the last few weeks I've been trying to break into several other work-at-home job options to try and drum up another part time job for myself so that I can get out of Israel and have my independence and privacy back. One thing I've been trying to do is general transcription work. I've submitted more than a dozen applications which always require a sample transcription from an audio file and have heard absolutely nothing back, which makes me think that my transcription must have sucked big time with plenty of mistakes.

I've also been applying to a lot of freelance writing jobs on the web and a few places have gotten back to me. Some have said they aren't hiring at the moment (which is frustrating because they don't say that on their website's employment page). A few have outright rejected me with generic rejection notes. Other places I've signed on with are the kind that take anybody and pay absolute peanuts (we're talking a few pennies per article), but I signed on to get some experience and my portfolio together.

But I'm feeling very down because I really thought I was a pretty good writer. I teach writing, for Christ's sake. I follow all the guidelines that I teach my students when I submit writing samples. But I have a feeling that my samples are just plain crap.

I'm trying not to be too negative about it, though. Part of the problem is definitely me. I feel the urgency to get a job right away so I know I haven't been doing the research that I need to be doing in order to get familiar with the kind of writing that is required for web articles and that's part of the problem. For one site, for example, I was doing a practice test which provided instructions on a topic to write about. I totally misunderstood the test and misunderstood what they were looking for. The test was actually asking me to read a sample article based on the instructions and to rate whether it would have been accepted or rejected. I thought they were asking me to write an article on the topic, so I did some research and wrote a short article on how to complete the tasks that were part of the topic. The sample article was way different, explaining why the thing in the topic is necessary in today's business world. It was very frustrating that I totally was off the mark.

I think freelance writing could be a really great career eventually and I think I could be good at it because I love to write and I love to research. But I feel like I jumped in with both feet without knowing what the hell I was doing.

So at this point, I think my strategy is simply going to be to slow down. I'll still be looking for online jobs, but in the field that I know I have the experience and credentials for and will be more likely to be hired (teaching and tutoring). I'll start to do some of the freelance writing for pennies for the places that have already accepted me and whatever happens, happens - I'm going to look at it as a learning experience (and I actually have been learning a LOT by just revising my writing samples every time I submit an application) and not think of it as an extra income just yet. I'll also do my research and start to look at the articles on the web (especially the websites that I've been applying for) and some sites that help with freelance writing tips and maybe even do some online course if I can find one.

OK, I feel much better now - not quite such an idiot. I just picture the editors checking the applications and cracking up when they see mine and thinking, "Who IS this person???"

I have just one word for the way I've been feeling today - ridiculous.

I have basically spent the whole day sleeping and taking migraine pills. I got no work done today - I made 2 posts to the classroom forums, graded one paper and that's it! So I am way way behind in my grading.

And I STILL have this awful migraine! It's been very weird today. Woke up bad, then got worse, like someone was driving a stake right through my left temple. Now, it moved to just below my temple, around my left jawline and cheekbone, which it has actually never done. Right now, it's at the manageable stage but still very much alive. Pain is pain but at least where it is now I can actually start to do some light activity without feeling like I am going to faint. The nausea has pretty much gone away as well, though I still feel awful.

I know what's going to happen because I've seen this pattern come up in the last six months or so - A 2-3 day migraine headache and then just when it ends - TOM with cramps and all. On the plus side, I think that since McDougalling, these horrific migraines really only come once a month, much less than they used to before McDougalling. So that's a plus.

Yes both the physical hormonal monthly aches and pains and the amount and severity of migraines have changed since I've gone to clean eating. I hope you're over your migraines soon. It drains me for an extra day after they stop; it feels like you've gone through a boxing match sometimes.

I hope you catch up with work easily-best wishes to you.

I have not posted for a long long long long LONG time, I know. The past few weeks have been very hellish and last week I did not eat well at all (and paid for it with a broken tooth!)

It's just been a bunch of stuff piling on. I started teaching a few classes and I am trying to put more effort into them this time than usual and it's doing some good (though of course I'm still getting some students who are whining and complaining that I'm not being their own personal tutor - damned if you do and damned if you don't ). Added to that, I've been actively looking for another online part-time job. I actually had an invitation to go through the interview process for 2 jobs, both admin based. But I declined. For one of them, I realized that to make a good part-time salary, I would need to work a lot of hours, since the pay was not per hour but per task completed and I decided it wasn't worth it.

For the other, that was an interesting story. It sounded really interesting (it's all extremely hush-hush, so I can't even describe what it is, but it was doing both phone work and some writing) and I was all hyped about it and they advertised that it was an hourly pay. Then I was invited to a conference call which had many other potential EEs on it that was supposed to explain what the company was, what the job was, and what the expectations were.

So I got on that call with a bunch of others. After the HR people explained the company a bit, I asked a question to verify what kind of company it was. The HR person's response was pretty sarcastic. What followed was one of the potential EEs (some jerk of a guy) then smirking and saying something about opening my ears and paying attention (a totally rude remark addressed to me, even though he didn't know me from Eve). The HR people didn't bother to say anything about it at all. In fact, the HR person who answered me seemed to take cue and said questions like the one I asked could be found on their website (hinting that I had not done my homework in checking out the company). Excuse me? I did my homework but I misheard what she said so I was trying to verify.

Then later in the conversation, the HR person started talking to us like we were children ("if you're not in the business to make money, don't bother applying") and again referred back to my question as an example.

Needless to say, that totally marked them off of my list. My question may not have been the brightest question, but any company that would allow a potential EE to insult another one AND use that as an example and a way to hold it up to ridicule is not a company I want to work for. And I let them know that in no uncertain terms.

And the job itself, once I found out, was not per hour but part of it was per piece, you had a quota you needed to meet (and I saw later from forums where people discussed the job that it was hard to meet the quota) and the written part of the job was really a ghostwriting type of deal (i.e., where you write a letter and send it to someone you talked to and they sign their name and send it in as if they wrote the letter - in my book, that's called plagiarism and I won't be a part of it!)

But I'm not disappointed because it taught me a lot about work-at-home jobs and what I need to look for and what I need to be careful of. I decided I'm not going to apply for just any job I qualify for - I'm sticking with online teaching and online tutoring jobs, stuff I know that you need the kind of degree and experience that I have and that pay better.

With that, I think I actually did get a job that will be interesting as an online ESL tutor for Korean students. I'm still in the process of getting into it so I haven't been assigned students yet (hopefully on Monday I will be) but it could be very fun and a great way for me to get started with ESL teaching (since I want to get into that field). I still don't know how consistent the work is going to be (the guy I talked to hinted that there would eventually be a lot of work, but that could be true or not) but I'm willing to give it a shot anyway. The pay is per hour and it's pretty good for those kinds of jobs. I'm a little nervous because even though it's only one aspect of ESL (spoken English), it's still all new to me and I'm responsible for setting up the student's curriculum and lesson plan and textbooks. But it will be great practice for me.

As for McDougall, as I mentioned, I had a horrible week last week, food wise along with migraine headaches, but this week I'm back on track. As I mentioned, I broke a tooth but so far it's tolerable (until I can get to a dentist, which God knows when that will be). I am being careful with what I eat and actually, doing McDougall is easier because most of the food I eat on the plan is cooked and the kind of stuff that is easy on a broken tooth. I did some cooking last week but had to toss out the French Onion Soup I made because it wasn't good at all (I think putting the flour in it to thicken it didn't work for me). But I decided I'm going to make it again with out the flour and just make it more of a clear soup and see how I like that.

It's interesting how when you accurately measure your food intake, it sometimes turns out not as bad as you thought (of course, many times, the reverse is true - it turns out more than you think!)

I've been eating a certain way with MWLP for several weeks and I've never measured my food or put it into Fitday because I didn't want to focus on calories. But today, I thought it might be a good idea to put in a sample menu just to see where I'm at not calorie-wise, but vitamin-wise and fat-wise.

I first put in my food intake using raw potato measurements. I tend to eat 2 very large potatoes each day - one for breakfast and one for dinner. I took a tape measure and measured an average raw potato and it turns out 9" diameter. With those measurements, my total food intake in calories was 1665! That was pretty scary to me, as I am so used to eating under 1400 calories a day. My fat intake is just fine (5%) and I know that with what I've been eating, I've been feeling great and not gaining weight (losing slowly, though I haven't been on the scale).

Then, as I was boiling a potato for my breakfast, I decided to measure how much the boiled pieces were in cups. It measured 1 1/2 cups. So I did the tally of my food intake in cups of boiled white potato (fat not added, of course) and the total calorie intake was about 1380, which makes a lot more sense. Fat intake is still low (5%) and everything else is good.

I'm actually really enjoying MWLP so far and although it's not always easy to stay on plan (such as yesterday - went to visit relatives in Jerusalem with my parents and aunt and we ended up in a restaurant where the only low fatish vegetarian dish I could get was whole wheat spaghetti in marinara sauce) but overall, it's been teaching me to enjoy much simpler foods.

It's been a hellish few weeks with a lot of decisions to make, a lot of fears about making the right decisions, and tonight basically just broke me.

I won't go into all the details, but basically, I've been spending weeks sending out resumes for online jobs, got 2 offers (neither of which paid much at all and had their problems), and then in the last 2 days, got an offer that isn't online but here locally in Israel. I decided to go with that one (Berlitz English teacher at the centers here) because I was convinced it was a better match.

Today I went and signed the contract and all the papers and I can't tell you how depressed I walked out of there. I thought part of it was the uber-corporate environment of the place, which I haven't seen in such a long time and the fact that the place is right next to a mall - corporate culture and mall culture across the street from each other is not my idea of fun.

Then I needed some clothes for the new job, as I haven't worked outside the home in 4 years. So I met my mom at the mall there and we had planned on going to a few stores. But I was so exhausted and depressed and I HATE shopping as it is and especially with the fact that I am at my highest weight ever and I know it that the experience was just one humiliation after another. My mom already treats me like a child and she's also super stressed (because of my brother coming to visit and the holiday season here with Passover) so she treated me even more so. She must have told the saleswoman that I had a new job and needed clothes because the saleswoman starting bringing all this stuff that isn't even my style. And my mom, when it comes to shopping, believes everything the salespeople tell her. So she was also trying to push me to try stuff and I was just so exhausted. And the clothes looked crappy, of course, because of my extreme weight gain in the last year and the pants are one size bigger than what I thought I was (even though I really felt I had lost weight but I know that the stress of the last few weeks have pushed me to binge). I really almost broke down and cried at the store. I did end up buying a few things because I need them.

But my mom's behavior just really got to me. She had the best intentions, but she really treated me like a 10 year old and at this point in my life, I just can't take that. I did let her know (something I wouldn't have done years ago) as nicely as I could but it didn't really help me or her.

And now I still feel totally depressed. It's starting to dawn on me that it's not the corporate environment of the place that got me depressed and made me feel as I do now, like I want to throw up. It's the idea of having a job in Israel that will keep me in Israel. I never meant for that to be and now it is really hitting home to me what that means. It means being in a country I fought so hard to escape from and being near my parents whom have always smothered me (best intentions, but still...) I miss the States so much right now.

My original idea was to get a second online part-time job that was semi-steady so that I could go back to the States on my own and live there. But I don't see that really happening. Yes, I did get 2 offers for online jobs, but they weren't right for me and I was going to accept them out of desperation and I knew it.

So maybe my best option is to simply plan on going back to the States once I know whether I got into the CELTA program I applied for (which I won't know until the first week of April) and find a cheap apartment somewhere in Texas (where I've been before and I liked it) and try to find a second part-time job from there. I do have some options on my list that I haven't applied to yet because I didn't have the right computer (but I will when my brother comes). I also have the other part-time job that is not steady but that has been giving me work so far and some savings if I need it. It's not the ideal situation to be in for sure, but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I need my privacy and my independence again and I JUST NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS FREAKING COUNTRY!!! I think there's something about this country that just oppresses me.

I've calmed down since my Thursday hysteria. When I calmed down by Friday morning, I realized that I still felt the same about two things - that I shouldn't have accepted the non-online job and that it's time for me to go back to the States and make plans, not just talk and whine about it.

So I emailed the job place (hate to do that, because it makes me sound so flakey and I'm usually not, but I have to do what's best for me). And I made some plans and goals for both the short term and long term (and I wrote them down this time!)

I realize now how much I have been letting myself get into a position I promised myself I would never get into - that of being a little girl mentally and emotionally and letting my parents impose their needs and wants on me and their way of living life. They are wonderful people and Israel is a wonderful place (I know I complain about it a lot, but it really is). But my parents' way of living is not MY way and Israel is not wonderful for ME. I think I should have left 8 months ago, after my grandparents died. But I was afraid because moving back would mean being independent and alone again and having to deal with everything on my own and solve my own problems.

But my fear is really groundless. I came back to the States on my own when I was 25 - and I had pretty much no skills and no experience on how to live on my own at that time. I know my parents thought I would be back within the year because I couldn't hack it. But I did - it was rough and stressful at times, but I did it and I really grew from it.

Now I'm 41 and I can go back and know that I can make it on my own without my parents as a crutch. I can support myself, find an apartment, do my own shopping - everything you need to do when you live independently.

It's not going to be easy breaking the news to my parents that I want to go back. Yesterday, I told my mom that I didn't accept the job in Israel in the end. She said she was fine with it but I think she was a little disappointed. I then told her that I was in the process of making plans on what I would be doing next and where I wanted to be and I would let her know once I had those plans. Her response was, "you're not thinking of going back (to the States), are you???" Gee, Mom, thanks for the support . I chose not to get into it with her at that moment, since I hadn't made any plans yet. I just said that I didn't know and that I would do what's best for me. She said, half-kidding, "Of course, honey, you have to do what's best for you. But make sure it's also best for ME."

I am gearing up for a lot of resistance from them, as well as guilt trips (my mom is an expert at that!), arguments against going back (from my dad), and then, once they get it that I'm not ASKING their permission but I'm telling them what I'm going to do, a lot of "suggestions" about how to do things. For example, I know that my dad is going to try and push me to haul my stuff from San Francisco to Lubbock. I don't plan on doing this because it's a huge hassle and a huge expense to haul it across the country and I only plan on being in SF in another 2 or 3 years, so for me, it's a waste of time and money. I would rather spend less time and money getting the bare essentials together for my Lubbock apartment. I'm pretty sure I can find some cheap stuff because it's a college town and very suburban, so they have lots of students selling stuff when they graduate and leave. I don't mind spending some money getting bare essentials - I would rather do that than hassle with hauling my stuff because, frankly, I have a lot of crap in storage that I should have gotten rid of years ago and I don't want to deal with it right now. I'll deal with it when I move to SF for good, but not now.

I started looking for some apartments in Lubbock online yesterday and, you know, I'm starting to get really excited about going back. Lubbock has good memories for me - I spent what was probably one of the best times in my life there in grad school, when I had a nice circle of friends, a great graduate department to work for, a good grad school job, and a good place to live. The stress of grad school and teaching for the first time didn't even bother me too much because I had so many other good things in my life. I also, coincidentally, lost 35 pounds while there (though not in a healthy way, as I did it as a low carber at that time). The area I've narrowed down my search for apartments to is also an area I associate with good things, and it has everything I need within walking distance (United, Walmart, Walgreens, everything).

I also started applying for some online jobs yesterday, though, again, I'm not going to pressure myself this time to "take anything". I want something that is going to work out as a fairly steady part-time income but I want it to be right for me.

All this good stuff has also been encouraging me to take care of myself. I really want to lose some weight before I go back. I do not want to have the same humiliating experience I had on Thursday with shopping ever again (though in the States, that would be unlikely, since sales people know how to treat customers better there). For the last 4 days, I've been getting up early (6 a.m.) and exercising first thing in the morning. I'm not doing it for weight loss so much as stress reduction. One thing I've come to see in the last few weeks is that I create a lot of stress for myself. I never learned how to handle anxiety and stress properly (both of my parents, I've noticed in the last year, handle stress horribly) and I know that in order for me to be healthy and achieve my goals, I have to start with stress reduction. So the 30 minute exercise is for me a stress reducer - nothing to do with weight loss at all. Right now I'm not doing much - 2 separate 15 minute walks from Leslie Sansome videos, not very brisk (though I do find myself sweating a little) but enough to get my heart rate up. And this time, I'm not making the excuse that I can't exercise because my parents are around and might bother me. Let them pound on my door!

Have also been using that early morning time to do some writing. This is one healthy habit I know from the past that if I get into it, it will make a world of difference to me - starting the morning off with some exercise, then making myself a cup fo herbal tea and writing for 40 minutes. If I can stick with doing those 2 things consistently, my life will be a whole lot more fulfilling!

I've been very busy lately, not just with work but also with juggling research for my move back to the States and job hunting.

I did break the news to my parents (I took them out to lunch, as I thought that breaking the news in a public place might lessen the chances of a scene). They are not happy but they are trying to be supportive. Now, though, my mom is on a kick of "what can I do to change your mind" type thing. She gets it that I'm not staying in Israel but want to go back home (for me). But she isn't happy that I'm going back to Texas for 3 years first until the mortgage on my SF flat is paid off. She would want me to go to the SF flat right away. The only way that could be done is if my dad manages to get my grandparents' property sold in Israel, as then they would have enough to pay off the mortgage. But that's going to take a few years (my mom keeps saying a year, but I know my dad too well - we'll be lucky if it will be done in 3 years...)

She keeps harping on this issue and the most infuriating thing is that it's not about me and what I want - it's about what SHE wants. She hates it that I'm going to Texas, where I won't know anybody (though I know the area very well) and won't have my brother close by (that's what she really wants). She also hates it that I decided not to bring my stuff from SF but to buy some cheap second-hand stuff in Texas to use temporarily because she's very spoiled about those things - it's important to her to have house things that are high end because she's obsessed about taking care of the house.

I am sick of arguing with her about it. This morning I said straight out, "look, you keep telling me what you want, but it's not about you. I don't really care what you want - I have to live my life and do what I want, wrong or right. I don't care if you think I'm making a big mistake. It's MY life."

This has been the pattern all my life - neither of my parents knows how to be truly supportive. They say they are, but when you read between the lines, they're not really.

Question for any parent reading this - am I expecting too much??? Is it too much to ask to have a parent say, "well, I don't agree with what you're doing, but I'm going to shut up about my disagreements and support you as much as possible?" Is it too much to hope that a parent could support rather than try to manipulate their child into doing what they want them to do (I'm talking here about grown children, not young children)?

I'm grateful to have the McDougall plan during this time, actually. It's not easy to keep in track, with all this stress. Especially since my brother is coming for a 6 week visit on Monday and the Passover holidays are coming (and my mom is hosting here) and it's going to be a big mess. And my brother is king when it comes to restaurant food. He eats out for 2 meals a day (I kid you not) and my dad will jump on the bandwagon very easily. So it's going to be tough to avoid the restaurants and family meals and tough to keep McDougalling. I'm going to try my very best, avoiding restaurants as much as possible, and continuing to exercise early each morning (which I've been doing pretty consistently lately).

But realistically, it's probably not going to be feasible for me to do McDougalling 100% until I get to the States and am without family. Then, I'll have total control over what comes into my house and what I eat and how much exercise I do and where (I won't have the fear of parents banging on my door while I'm exercising!) That doesn't mean I'm going to throw in the towel and eat whatever until the summer - but I'm just not going to try to focus too much on weight loss right now. I'll focus instead on eating vegan, low fat, and whole foods as much as possible.

I'm well aware that I haven't posted here in a long time and I am almost embarrassed to post here now. I've been way off plan. I've had a lot of stress with job hunting and deciding whether I will go back to the States or not (right now it's up in the air - I promised my mom that if I can find a decent apartment here in Israel nearby for a decent price, I will consider staying for at least a few more years until my San Francisco apartment is paid for). Then my brother came to visit for 6 weeks and my mom really wanted me to join them for meals to make it a family time, so I agreed. My brother basically hits all the unhealthy snacks and junk food while he's here and my dad takes it as an excuse to party also so in addition to my mom's non-McDougall meals (though they were vegan for me and not hugely high in fat) I had a lot of junk food (though not binging on junk food, just a lot around). In addition, we had of course many more family get-togethers than usual because it was the holiday time in Israel (for those who might not be familiar with Jewish holidays, 2 times a year, they come in bunches - Passover time in the spring and Rosh Hashanah in the fall). So it was a lot of BBQs, but family dinners, restaurant meals, etc.

However, today my brother is leaving in the evening and tomorrow I am opening a new page. I've already done my shopping and meal planning for McDougall and have only a few dishes to make that are very quick and basic (brown rice, steamed broccoli). The weather here is absolutely perfect, not too hot, not too cold, so it's great walking weather. Tomorrow morning I plan on starting back to my morning walks and all of my meals will now be in my own little apartment, so I will have control over what I eat and cook.

I'm not doing MWLP for now, but more the regular plan and really, more of a cross between the PCRM 21 Day Kickstart rules and McDougall. That is, I plan on focusing on the 4 food groups that the PCRM plan outlines - whole grains/whole grain products, beans/legume, veggies, and fruits - but emphasize the whole grains at meals like McDougall does. I haven't weighed myself and I probably won't until the end of this week, just to get myself started on the right foot (because I know if I weigh myself and see the number, I will get depressed and discouraged right off and that's counterproductive for me). I'm starting out slow with the exercise but hope to add some stretching sometime in the future.

I've been away for a while but I am coming back to McDougall as of Monday. While I haven't been eating McDougall these last 4 weeks, I have also not been going completely crazy with food and totally off a vegan plan. Basically, I felt what I was doing with McDougall wasn't working for me so I decided to try something different. My plan was more fat (about 20%-25%), more protein, less carbs, and more salads. It wasn't a bad plan at all but it ended up being way too much preparation. I also just missed my mashed potatoes and rice and soups. For some reason, I just didn't enjoy lunches made up of veggies and beans cooked together in some sauce - I liked the veggie sides by themselves and then brown rice by itself better. A few days ago, I looked at the lentil and veggie dish I made with tomato sauce and balsamic and it just looked unappetizing.

So I've tweaked my plan a bit and am really trying to take out some of the processed foods I ate the last time (mostly condiments like ketchup and BBQ sauce, but I ate a LOT of it) and stick more with whole foods. I am not doing MWLP, as I'm eating some bread and pretzels, but it's light bread and that doesn't trigger cravings for me.

Here's my typical menu:
Morning: Oatmeal or oat bran with dash of rice milk, honey, and cinnamon; raw veggies and 2 rice cakes with honey; herbal tea
Mid-Morning: Mashed potatoes and fruit
Afternoon: some veggie sides (cooked without oil, of course) and brown rice and beans or brown rice and corn
Evening: Salad or soup, mashed potatoes
Snacks: 1 oz pretzels and 2 slices light bread with honey

I'm going to also be walking every morning. I feel I can stick to it this time because my schedule has become much busier, so my mind is on other things besides food.

Djuna

This is the first day I'm back and I'm feeling good about it. I didn't take a walk this morning, as I was up at 3 a.m. this morning with bad gas pains (ate a lot of dairy yesterday...) and didn't get to sleep until a few hours later, but I will be up at 6 a.m. tomorrow walking (I have to start getting up early again anyway because of my work load).

But this is a good time to restart because my schedule has calmed down. Last week was really the week from hell - wake up at 5 a.m. to work on lesson plans and my online courses, training from 10 a.m. until 3 p.m. (and a very intensive training where the trainers didn't seem to know the meaning of the word break and 1/2 an hour to wolf down something for lunch - thank goodness I already prepared a big lentil and veggie stew that I could heat up in the microwave there so I was prepared), then rush home and do the homework they gave (which was a LOT). Also 2 of those nights I had a class I had to teach for them that started at 8 and ended at 10 p.m.!

So it was a very stressful and busy week but thank goodness it's over now. I still have a lot of work to do but at least I can plan it in my own time and my days are not taken up by a training.

Today's menu:
Morning: cucumber and red pepper; oat bran with a dash of rice milk, honey, and cinnamon (to be honest, I'm rethinking this for breakfast because I just don't enjoy oats in the morning - I literally wolfed it down because I felt I had to. I might change to mashed potatoes, since I enjoy those a lot more); 3 unsalted brown rice cakes with honey; green tea
Mid-Morning: mashed potatoes, peach
Afternoon: Beet salad, zucchini in tomato sauce, rice and corn
Evening: veggie soup, mashed potatoes
Night: 3 rice cakes with honey, pretzels