I've calmed down since my Thursday hysteria. When I calmed down by Friday morning, I realized that I still felt the same about two things - that I shouldn't have accepted the non-online job and that it's time for me to go back to the States and make plans, not just talk and whine about it.
So I emailed the job place (hate to do that, because it makes me sound so flakey and I'm usually not, but I have to do what's best for me). And I made some plans and goals for both the short term and long term (and I wrote them down this time!)
I realize now how much I have been letting myself get into a position I promised myself I would never get into - that of being a little girl mentally and emotionally and letting my parents impose their needs and wants on me and their way of living life. They are wonderful people and Israel is a wonderful place (I know I complain about it a lot, but it really is). But my parents' way of living is not MY way and Israel is not wonderful for ME. I think I should have left 8 months ago, after my grandparents died. But I was afraid because moving back would mean being independent and alone again and having to deal with everything on my own and solve my own problems.
But my fear is really groundless. I came back to the States on my own when I was 25 - and I had pretty much no skills and no experience on how to live on my own at that time. I know my parents thought I would be back within the year because I couldn't hack it. But I did - it was rough and stressful at times, but I did it and I really grew from it.
Now I'm 41 and I can go back and know that I can make it on my own without my parents as a crutch. I can support myself, find an apartment, do my own shopping - everything you need to do when you live independently.
It's not going to be easy breaking the news to my parents that I want to go back. Yesterday, I told my mom that I didn't accept the job in Israel in the end. She said she was fine with it but I think she was a little disappointed. I then told her that I was in the process of making plans on what I would be doing next and where I wanted to be and I would let her know once I had those plans. Her response was, "you're not thinking of going back (to the States), are you???" Gee, Mom, thanks for the support
. I chose not to get into it with her at that moment, since I hadn't made any plans yet. I just said that I didn't know and that I would do what's best for me. She said, half-kidding, "Of course, honey, you have to do what's best for you. But make sure it's also best for ME."
I am gearing up for a lot of resistance from them, as well as guilt trips (my mom is an expert at that!), arguments against going back (from my dad), and then, once they get it that I'm not ASKING their permission but I'm telling them what I'm going to do, a lot of "suggestions" about how to do things. For example, I know that my dad is going to try and push me to haul my stuff from San Francisco to Lubbock. I don't plan on doing this because it's a huge hassle and a huge expense to haul it across the country and I only plan on being in SF in another 2 or 3 years, so for me, it's a waste of time and money. I would rather spend less time and money getting the bare essentials together for my Lubbock apartment. I'm pretty sure I can find some cheap stuff because it's a college town and very suburban, so they have lots of students selling stuff when they graduate and leave. I don't mind spending some money getting bare essentials - I would rather do that than hassle with hauling my stuff because, frankly, I have a lot of crap in storage that I should have gotten rid of years ago and I don't want to deal with it right now. I'll deal with it when I move to SF for good, but not now.
I started looking for some apartments in Lubbock online yesterday and, you know, I'm starting to get really excited about going back. Lubbock has good memories for me - I spent what was probably one of the best times in my life there in grad school, when I had a nice circle of friends, a great graduate department to work for, a good grad school job, and a good place to live. The stress of grad school and teaching for the first time didn't even bother me too much because I had so many other good things in my life. I also, coincidentally, lost 35 pounds while there (though not in a healthy way, as I did it as a low carber at that time). The area I've narrowed down my search for apartments to is also an area I associate with good things, and it has everything I need within walking distance (United, Walmart, Walgreens, everything).
I also started applying for some online jobs yesterday, though, again, I'm not going to pressure myself this time to "take anything". I want something that is going to work out as a fairly steady part-time income but I want it to be right for me.
All this good stuff has also been encouraging me to take care of myself. I really want to lose some weight before I go back. I do not want to have the same humiliating experience I had on Thursday with shopping ever again (though in the States, that would be unlikely, since sales people know how to treat customers better there). For the last 4 days, I've been getting up early (6 a.m.) and exercising first thing in the morning. I'm not doing it for weight loss so much as stress reduction. One thing I've come to see in the last few weeks is that I create a lot of stress for myself. I never learned how to handle anxiety and stress properly (both of my parents, I've noticed in the last year, handle stress horribly) and I know that in order for me to be healthy and achieve my goals, I have to start with stress reduction. So the 30 minute exercise is for me a stress reducer - nothing to do with weight loss at all. Right now I'm not doing much - 2 separate 15 minute walks from Leslie Sansome videos, not very brisk (though I do find myself sweating a little) but enough to get my heart rate up. And this time, I'm not making the excuse that I can't exercise because my parents are around and might bother me. Let them pound on my door!
Have also been using that early morning time to do some writing. This is one healthy habit I know from the past that if I get into it, it will make a world of difference to me - starting the morning off with some exercise, then making myself a cup fo herbal tea and writing for 40 minutes. If I can stick with doing those 2 things consistently, my life will be a whole lot more fulfilling!