Discussion Board

Today is my 40th birthday and I can't think of a better day to start getting serious about my health and emotional eating issues. Turning 40 and moving into the second half of my life (perhaps more than 1/2 - my mother's side of the family has a tendency to hang around until their 90's and even beyond ) makes me think of what I've accomplished so far and what I want to accomplish, not just in terms of health, but in terms of professional and other personal goals.

I cannot say that my life has been a waste so far but I know that I have not lived up to my full potential the last 40 years. I went through the whole psychological cycle of blame and resentment and figuring out why this was several years ago when family tragedy occurred (won't go into that right now...) I still hold on to a lot of anger and rage, especially now when I'm still dealing with it. Again, I won't go into it, but let's say that my goal for 40 is forgiveness. It's easy to lay blame on everyone and even myself, but what's the point of that? Where does blame get you? Absolutely nowhere! If there's one thing I've learned in the past 40 years it's that dwelling on the past and what I could have done and who is responsible for my not doing it is a waste. I have to get beyond that and take the information I do have and figure out how I want to grow with it.

Still, it's very frustrating to feel as if you have no space of your own. Right now I'm in a situation where I was told that a new apartment I would move into would be mostly done but that turned out to be a lie. In fact, I have workers banging in the background just as I write - a little "detail" I wasn't told about. What hurts the most is that all these lies and deceit came from a family member that I was fool enough to trust. Suffice it to say he has major personality disorders and I knew that going in but I didn't want to prepare myself for what might happen.

Anyway, I don't want to dwell on it!

What have I accomplished in the last 40 years? Believe it or not, I used to have a "goals notebook" where I wrote out what I wanted to accomplish and a plan to get there. It never seemed as if it was more than just writing down but now that I look back on it, I can't say I didn't accomplish a few things. In my 30's when I made a career change from administrative assistant to teacher, I knew I wanted to accomplish 2 things with my teaching - to teach adult learners and to teach online full time. It's amazing to think that I accomplished those 2 goals and this is my career right now. I am very very lucky in this economy to have work and to even be asked to take on extra work and I feel like my students have given me a LOT - they've forced me to think about other people than myself, to discover a side in me that wants to help others achieve their goals, and they've given me validation that I am not just faking it - that I have something to teach others and to give others.

I am also a creative writer and although I can't say I've accomplished the goal of being a "published" writer yet, I am taking the steps to get there by writing every day. Despite my hectic schedule, this is something I am very conscious of making time for. I have a long way to go but considering that a few months ago I wasn't writing at all because of a lot of personal issues and time management issues, I consider that a great stride forward.

My health goals is where I've stumbled in a major way. I've always been overweight and always have had binge eating issues. I thought I conquered them 5 years ago when I went on a low carb diet and lost 30 pounds and got to 123 pounds. I wasn't a vegan then or even a vegetarian and was eating a lot of meat. When I got to my goal, I decided to become a vegetarian again and after reading several books on veganism (like John Robbin's "Diet For A New America"), I decided to try going vegan. I also had other personal issues going on and all of that caused me to go back into the binge-diet cycle and of course gain the 30 pounds back. I was pretty much stabilized at 153 and then tragedy struck again and I had to make an emergency flight abroad to stay with my parents. That was in Oct 2009 and I ended up staying until December. Then back to the States but then was a huge move from Texas to San Francisco and amidst all of this stress and pressure, I ate like mad (and not always vegan...) I stepped on the scale this morning and I wasn't surprised by the results - 170 pounds. This is close to the highest I have ever been.

But the thing that scares me is that I know that at 40, all the damage you do from eating crap in the years past start to catch up with you and I have a family history of diseases, including heart disease, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. I have been very lucky so far in that I haven't had any problems, although it would not surprise me to find out I am pre-diabetic, since my out-of-control eating frequently involves 80% sweet foods. But I do not want to press my luck. One goal I wanted for myself when moving to San Francisco was to start living a balanced lifestyle - one that would involve healthy eating, exercise (although I've been pretty good about that), and leaving time for leisure activities and not just working all the time.

So this is my start. I am not starting with MWLP because I'm afraid right now it will seem like too many restrictions and I don't want to risk getting myself into a "McDougall is another "diet is DIE with a T" mentality. I still feel like I need things like bread and rice cakes. So I'm doing the free program that this site offers, which seems great to me. Later on, I might switch to MWLP.

Djuna

Glad your here!! You said so much. Your the only one who has power and control over your emotions and how you feel about a situation. Try to look at a situation in a different angel, maybe from somebody else's perspective. It's not easy but it can help in a big way. It took me a while to get there but now I know a situation is only as big as I choose to make it. And I need to forgive the person so I can move on emotionally. Doesn't mean I have to have a relationship with them, just means I'm not going to let "what if" thoughts consume my mind. It's a hard one. Good luck!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You've come to the right place to accomplish your health goals. Here's a warm welcome and best wishes to you!

Thank you kristykay and sksamboots for your kind and warm replies .

I did not do well on my birthday . I had the oatmeal, applesauce, and raisins breakfast and was fine, then some rice cakes but I was feeling depressed and annoyed at the banging workers outside my back door and just overall frustrated and I let myself binge the rest of the day.

The last 2 days, however, I am happy to report are an entirely different story!

I'm sticking to the free plan offered the site and I have to say I am loving it! The food is very tasty and fairly quick to prepare. I've already noticed some changes in my health. I am feeling much less tired during the day and more energetic and my mood is less depressed and anxious and much more stable. I am also (and this is a shocker!) feeling much less sugar cravings. I'm not eating a lot of sugar except for 1-2 servings of fruit and some all fruit jam on rice cakes (about a teaspoon or so). But otherwise, I am not craving sugar or chocolate like I thought I would. This is a shock for me, especially because I am PMS so the cravings are usually raging more than usual during this time. But I'm happy with what I'm eating and I don't even feel the need for "something sweet" after lunch anymore.

I guess being generous with grains and grain products makes me crave sugar less than if I were eating less grains and more proteins and fats.

I've changed my schedule around a bit. I wake up earlier than I have been doing (well, much earlier - try 7:45 a.m. instead of 9 a.m.!) and even before I shower or do anything, I go for a walk. I mean a REAL walk. I did some researching on the walks I've been doing in the past month and they have not been what I thought they were. I thought I was walking at least 30-40 minutes every morning to get to a cafe to sit and do my writing. But it turns out I was only doing 20 minutes and sometimes not even that. So rather than try to combine my walking and writing time, I now separate them. I only go for a walk in the mornings (for 50 minutes) and I do my writing later in the day at home (saves money too - tea is expensive in SF!)

The funny thing is that I've sort of rediscovered the city this way. Since I wasn't walking much before, I was pretty much confined to the radius of about 2-3 blocks each way. But now that I'm walking more, I've experimented more with going further and changing routes a little and discovered some absolutely beautiful buildings and cathedrals and Dolores Park is so close to me I didn't even know it was there until I went up one block and hit on it! I did that the day after my birthday when I was feeling tired and bloated and unmotivated and seeing the beauty of the park and the landscape reminded me why I worked so hard to move back to the city and why, after all the work was done on my apartment and the workers were finally gone, it would all be worth it. So that put a different perspective on it for me and I wasn't feeling quite so negative about the decision I made 3 months ago to move back to the city.

Djuna

Am trying not to get upset, especially because getting upset usually takes me down the path of binge eating. But I feel so sick and tired of being lied to!

My brother told me from the beginning that the flat I would be mortgaging in his building would have a washer/dryer. When I moved in in January, he kept telling my mom and I that he'd have the washer/dryer and the porch installed "in six weeks". It's been 3 months and nothing has been done, of course - not even touched until this week and that's only the backroom where the washer/dryer would go.

So I got promises all this week that the washer/dryer would come today. He emailed me to let me know that Sear's would be bringing them in between 1 and 3 and to make sure I had "a clear path from the front door to the back door". At this point, my reaction to any promises he makes about the flat is "I'll believe it when I see it". The workers caught me this morning on my way to walk, very agitated, insisting I remain there for a few minutes to make sure that the back door was open so that they could work there because "we gonna be working there all day". They've been drilling and banging all day, of course.

Anyway, at 1:15 I saw the Sear's truck park right outside my front window and I thought "maybe this is actually going to happen when I was promised it would happen". I saw the guys bringing out the washer/dryers. It is now 3:45 p.m. The truck is long gone and no sign of my brother (who said he would oversee the whole thing). I heard banging above me and below me.

So what the hell does this mean? That my neighbors upstairs and downstairs get their washer/dryers just fine but I don't get mine because the workers aren't finished? Naturally, my brother has told me nothing but this is what I'm guessing.

This is the kind of behavior from him that's upsetting me. He has absolutely no respect for anyone, and especially not his younger sister whom he's disregarded as some little girl who need Big Brother to help her get along all my life. His only reason for worrying about the upstairs and downstairs is because those people are renting the flats from him (not buying like me) and he has no choice. San Francisco has renter's rights and they could make hell for him if he doesn't fulfill his promises. So I'm guessing the story was that he made sure all the work that needed to be done was done for the flats upstairs and downstairs and left mine for the last one because I'm his sister and he has no commitment to me and could care less. And that's why I'm the one getting screwed now, even though I'm paying just as much as they are and have been paying for a half-done apartment for 3 months.

Well, it feels better to vent .

Update: He just emailed me. The delivery of the washer/dryer has been delayed because "they need to fix some things in the laundry room, they're working on it now" (tell me about it!) I asked him if it was only mine or some of the others as well, just to know if I'm the only one he screwed over or if it was the others also.
Djuna

hope things work out for you soon and that your weekend is relaxing

Wanted to post this here, since I accidentally posted it as a new thread!
My brother came over yesterday afternoon just to see what the workers had done in the back room and showed me what was going on with the washer/dryer. It turns out that the connections were put in in such a way that they made the washer/dryer stand a little distance from the wall, which was a problem with the very crowded space in the back room. So basically the workers now have to change the connections in some way so that they aren't bulging out of the wall and the washer/dryer can fit. So it really is something that isn't just in my flat but in everyone else's too.

I feel horrible for being so suspicious that it was just me that was getting the bad deal. It was a good reminder that my brother is as sick of all of this as I am and he's not trying to pull anything over on me - there are just a lot of issues that come up that he has no control over and that he can't anticipate and he's doing the best he can for everyone. I am humbled now and will be more cautious in future of being so suspicious of people.

I noticed two important changes in my health. I made the bean spread for Day 5 of the free plan yesterday which calls for sweet pickle relish. Since I want to try and stay away from sugary condiments, I made it with dill relish and added 1/2 tsp of organic sugar for the sweet part. And it was too sweet! Now that wouldn't have been the case even a week ago when I was on a total sugar binge and eating 1/4 cup of vegan dark chocolate chips every evening because I felt I couldn't survive without my chocolate and sugar (and they have a lot more than 1/2 tsp of sugar, I can tell you that ). Next time I make the recipe, I'm not adding anything sweet to it.

The second thing that I noticed was when I washed my hair this morning. I have very thick dark hair so when I wash it, I usually end up with about a quarter size of hair clogging up the drain when I finish and I've had times when I've had to pull out a lot more from the drain to clean it up (won't go into that...) But this morning after I finished showering and washing my hair, there was no hair on the drain! Not even one! That was surprising, since I've read that protein and fat are what keep hair from shedding and I know I have been significantly reducing both in the last 5 days.

Djuna

Yesterday marked 1 week on McDougall and I wanted to reflect on some of the changes I've been going through.

I'm actually stoked that I have kept to the plan thus far and it hasn't been hard at all. One thing that amazed me was that the cravings for sugar and chocolate and junk food have begun to subside big time. I have real issues with binge eating and the last 3 months have been a roller coaster ride for me with that but I feel right now that it's possible for me to overcome my cravings for this stuff if I just stay away from it. The "cold turkey" approach seems to work for me. I know from having read The Pleasure Trap and Neal Barnard's "Breaking The Food Seduction" a while back that there are issues of addiction that are chemical and I see now what those books were talking about.

So, positive changes?
- More energy during the day
- More positive and calm outlook
- Committed to morning exercise
- No sugar, chocolate, or junk food cravings
- Easier to wake up in the morning
- Less shedding when I wash my hair
- Rashes are bothering me less

It's hard to really assess changes because I was PMS and then TOM showed up on Friday, so that puts me out of whack. For example, headaches and migraines haven't subsided but I think that's more due to TOM and all that than McDougall.

I've also made behavioral positive changes. The walking in the mornings is one of them. Another is that I'm no longer watching TV until late at night. I don't turn on the TV after 9 p.m. - I read instead (reading "The China Study" now). Then I go to bed at around 10:30. That's gotten me back to reading which I love and which is important for me, as a writer.

I haven't weighed myself and don't plan to for a while because I need this to be about making positive lifestyle changes and health and not about losing pounds, even though I have 50 pounds to lose. I know that if I stay with it and notice the good physical and mental changes the weight will follow.

Djuna

I'm feeling quite upset and disrespected right now and I thought I'd journal about it. It's such petty little things but they get to me just the same. It's the feeling of being disrespected and disregarded.

Of course it has to do with the whole flat building thing. They workers have been working for 5 days on the back room, drilling and pounding because of this issue with the wires for the washer/dryer (but I don't hear them doing anything with the neighbors and this is supposed to have been an issue with all 3 flats - what the heck???)

One thing I made clear to my brother is that evenings are off limits to workers. After 6 p.m., I lock my door and I don't open it for ANYONE. And if there is someone working around the place, that's just too bad because he gets the boot - I don't care if he's in the middle of doing something. I really thought my brother and the workers respected that.

But I've gotten a few knocks on my door well after 6 the last week and I know it's them. I didn't answer (if they think I wasn't serious about my condition, they can think again!)

Now, all the work was supposed to be finished in the back room, from what I thought, because the washer/dryer was supposed to come today but didn't and is coming tomorrow morning. But I heard the guy working in the back room later today and he even opened the door to my kitchen (there are 2 doors - one between my kitchen and the back room and one that leads outside which, technically, I'm supposed to be able to lock). And he left it wide open (gee, thanks!) At six, there was no one there and, thinking that this was the end since I made clear I wasn't going to let anyone work after 6 on my place, I locked the back door.

Well, I heard the guy come back and try to open the door, then leave. Then he came back and he was working in the back!!! So in other words, what that means is that he got a key to the back door from somewhere and let himself in!

So basically it means that it doesn't matter whether I have lock there or not or whether I lock it or not - they can get in anytime they want.

This is what really upsets me. I am VERY picky about my privacy and especially at night. I really thought my brother and the workers respected that at least when I stood my ground but apparently it doesn't matter what I say. It's my flat and I'm paying a heck of a lot of money for it, but again, that's irrelevant to them.

I so regret now not having waited until the flat was complete finished without a worker in sight to move in. But I had no idea it would be like this and I still feel, with all the unexpected issues that have come up, I was not told the truth and for selfish reasons (why tell me that the flat was only 50% done and would stay that way until summer if my brother could get me to pay the full rent for 6 months by moving in early?) But I'm way too tired to dwell on it right now. I've just had it.

I'm seriously considering getting some kind of chain lock on the door between the kitchen and back room and put it up myself. I know it won't keep the workers out but at least it will give me the illusion that I actually have some privacy in my own place.

My brother says that once the washer/dryer is in, the back room will be done and I'll be able to lock the back door without workers having to come in. But what does that matter when they have a key and can get in any time they want?

Hopefully tomorrow will be better...

BTW, food wise I did just fine today - I didn't finish dinner because I was so upset with this issue that I lost my appetite.

Djuan

Hi Djuna,

Really enjoying reading your journal. I have eating disorder issues as well and I have found this way of eating to be incredibly helpful in terms of reducing urges to eat uncontrollably. I do get urges to overeat sometimes, but I stick to MWL foods so damage is minimal and my body is still well-nourished instead of stuffed with sugar/salt/fat. I am actually beginning to think that a great deal of what we call 'eating disorders' is really caused by food addiction....I find that when I abstain from addictive foods (like an alcoholic avoids alcohol), food loses its ability to give me a 'fix' and I learn to face life without it. I look forward to hearing more about your journey.

Take care
lfwfv

I wanted to start the day out writing here since I think that getting off of journaling has been doing me more harm than good.

This has been an extremely stressful few weeks, probably the most stressful I've had in a long while. It's been difficult to get my students motivated and there have been a lot of rude and disrespectful students (I teach adult education college level, so these are people who don't know the concept of respect towards a teacher like the younger students do) and a lot of accusations of being unfair, a bad teacher, wanting to fail students, etc. In my 6 years of teaching I have never had to experience such a hostile environment. This is at one of the universities I work for (I work for 3) mainly. This place claims to be "student oriented" which means one thing - they are for-profit and regard their institution like a corporation where the customer/student is always right. Yesterday I found out that one of the students filed a grievance against me and it has now gone to the dean. This is the first time in my teaching career that that has happened and it's about something that I am in the right about (with proof to back it up). The student is mentally ill (she told me so herself) and hostile and manipulative. But I'm very worried about my job there because I am relatively new to them and they are "student oriented".

So I've been extremely stressed out these past few weeks and I've had all the signs I've come to recognize as stress for me - migraine headaches (I've been fighting one for 2 days now), forgetting things, being careless. being highly anxious - and turning to junk food binges as a way of numbing the anxiety. I binged on Saturday evening and again yesterday evening. I'm not taking this as a failure on McDougall because I was on McD for 3 weeks before this happened. So I know I can do this and I love the plan. If anything, this is a learning experience for me - it taught me that I turn to binging to deal with stress in a way that is automatic. Yesterday, for example, I didn't plan on binging. After I got the email about the grievance, I had to go shopping for McD items and I just automatically went to the junk food isles and put stuff in my basket. It was a little scary how automatic it was.

So now I know that if I am to continue being healthy, I have to find a more productive way of dealing with stress. I have been walking 45-50 minutes (brisk walking with hills) every day, but in the mornings. I'm thinking of moving those walks to the afternoon instead, both because I feel anxious in the mornings if I start out with walking and writing, as until I get to my work, it is almost noon, and also in order to help ease the afternoon stress that builds up.

I also want to go back to doing yoga. I have a great yoga DVD (Crunch Candlelight Yoga) that is all about relaxation and stress relief. I've been putting off using it mainly because I know with the big weight gain I've had in the past 6 months, I have lost my flexibility and the big stomach I have will make the moves awkward. But now I've lost a little of that stomach so I feel more comfortable doing it. I'm thinking of doing it in the evening, right before dinner, to ease the stress of the day.

It's frustrating to have backtracked a little but I know that I'm on the right path and I know that there will be stumbling blocks.

Djuna

Learn from you past and keep on keepin on

Grrr!!! I hit "New Post" yesterday instead of reply to this journal so my post is now a separate one. Here's where I meant to post it!

******************************

After a month of McDougalling, I was hit with some major stress and anxiety and went way off. Now I have refocused and I'm going back on McDougall tomorrow. I'm altering the menu slightly. I'm still using the 12 day plan because I love it but I'm moving to eating a little less bread and more potatoes, especially in the evening.

One big issue has been the stress thing. I really didn't expect to be so stressed out. Part of it is taking on 3 universities to work for and part of it is one of them (the one that pays the most) is "student oriented"so that means the student is the client and can pretty much complain all they want, which they do! So it makes it hard for me to do my job honestly. It's stressful to have to brace myself every week for the slew of accusations, whining, and four letter words that come my way. In addition, they demand a lot for what they pay.

So basically, I am finding that the first half of the week is tied up with this university which leaves me crunching in the work I have to do for the other two in the last half of the week. I work 11-14 hours a day, 7 days a week. And it's starting to take its toll on my health. I've had migraines every week, lasting for a few days at a time (this week I had a migraine on Monday afternoon, Tuesday all day, then finally went away but today it started to develop again in the afternoon). I've had back aches (usually lower mid back but last time it was upper right hand side). I've had a lot of anxiety (the kind that hits right when I wake up in the morning) and the eye twitching I posted in the health forums (which thanks goodness, has stopped this week). And, of course periods of binge eating.

The whole reason for working so many universities is that I'm trying to earn enough to pay part of the building I've gone into with my brother. But it's San Francisco, so the mortgage is through the roof. I've recently started asking myself, is it really worth it? You have to pay so damn much for the "privilege" of living in this city. It's a beautiful city but is it worth my health? The irony is that the whole reason for my taking on this SF challenge is that I wanted to be somewhere I could get out more and see friends. But my time is so eaten up by having to work to afford to live here that I don't have time to see anyone!

So I was talking with my parents last week about it and my mom brought up the issue of coming to live near them for a while. This would be in Israel, so we're talking about a huge move here. They have a huge house with a small unit attached to it which I could live in and have some privacy. All my family is there as well. I'm seriously thinking of doing it. I could rent out my SF place to continue to pay the mortgage bills and I wouldn't pay any rent in Israel (or very low rent). That would allow me to give up on the university that is causing me so much stress and keep the 2 that I like. I would then work much less and have a lot more time to myself and also have a lot of opportunity to get out and be with people. I have family and friends there that I know appreciate me so I wouldn't be so isolated. It would also put me nearer to my parents (my father isn't well) and my grandparents (also not well).

But it wouldn't happen until next summer, since it would take a lot of work and planning. Until then, though, I want to lose weight. I'm 175 right now and I'd like to get as close to my goal (120) as possible before I go. I went in Oct to Israel weighing about 155 and I felt horribly fat. I refuse to go back to my family looking like I do now and eating like I do now. So this is why McDougall is going to be so important to me - not just for the weight that I might lose but also for the eating habits that I instill in me that will help me resist temptation when I get home, since my family is all about eating.

I've already started to make better changes. I wake up at 7 a.m. now instead of 8:30-9 am. I take a 45 minute walk first thing in the morning, come home and make some tea with mint and then sit and write for an hour. This gives me time to myself before I hit my work. I also have started giving up on TV at night and sitting to read instead. One thing I want to do is go back to reading McDougall books and other books like The Pleasure Trap and The China Study. To remind myself why this is so important.

Djuna

Beginning again today. Even though I feel the pressure to get to work, I'm purposely taking the time to journal and will continue to do so each morning.

I actually did a little research on MWLP yesterday and I'm starting with that. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it up because it might be too restrictive for me at this point but if I can't, I'll just move on to the regular plan. I read about the whole issue of monotonous meals and eating frequent small meals and not limiting amounts of food (eating until full but not stuffed) so I'm going to try and do that. I came up with a good looking menu yesterday with 5 small meals and went shopping this morning. I'm a little behind because I woke up with the migraine that started yesterday and slept in but now the migraine is "in the background" and hopefully will not return.

Made the Spicy Red Hummus this morning and although the flavors are great, the texture is a little grainy. I'm guessing that's because of the chickpeas which are a "firmer" bean than some of the others, like kidney and pinto. So I'll try it with pinto beans tomorrow and see how that works. I also bought some quinoa, which I tried a while back and didn't quite like but I want to try it again.

I weighed and measured myself today so I have a starting point:

Weight: 175 (same weight as a few months ago)
Bust: 45 inches
Waist: 44.5 inches
Hips: 46.5 inches

Didn't get my morning walk in because of the headache but I'm planning on an afternoon walk, come hell or high water . If I don't have time for that, then I'll do a 1 mile Leslie Sansome DVD walk -at least something!


Djuna

Hi. I wrote in your other journal. Maybe there's a way to combine them? Anyway, this looks like your main journal, so i'll write here from now on.
Raven