Discussion Board

She is having Easter dinner and I said I would bring an entree to share that would fit in with my way of eating ... and her answer: Just do the wine, if you don't mind. I'd rather coordinate all the dinner foods. I'm going to make something that can be both a vegetarian main course and a side dish for everyone else. If I get stuck I'll let you know. I want to do it this way because sometimes meals get crazy and people say they are bringing something, but they never tell me what it is, or change their minds, and it messes me up.

Her idea of low-fat healthful eating and mine are NOT the same thing. Do I decline and not go? Do I say "Nope, I'm bringing something and that's that?" Do I eat beforehand and sit there with an empty plate when everyone else is eating? I think it's kind of rude to tell someone they can't bring a dish to your dinner party. She is the sister who thinks pork roast is healthy for you.

Wow--this sounds like she thinks she is going to have a perfectly coordinated meal...and has control issues. You are going to have to bring something that you know you can eat, anyway, but whether it is a bag of veggies and nuked potatoes in your purse that you can eat in private, or a nice recipe that "can be a side dish" for others, is up to you.

The main thing that you can keep in mind is that this is an opportunity to see relatives and friends, share a good time, and catch up on the latest. The food is just not that important, and so if you just brought something that you could eat on your own, and then just be able to be at the table without eating the SAD food, you will be OK and not obtrusive. Hard to say if that can be pulled off gracefully, if your sister is so controlling.

I was just going to say that. Sounds like she has some control issues. She's put you in an uncomfortable position. Yes the gathering is about getting to see family, but on the other hand, if you sit there and eat nothing, the meal will become about that.
I would bring something anyway, and tell her what it will be in advance (since that seems to be an issue for her), and leave it at that. If she can't handle it, too bad, she needs to deal with it. It's her problem not yours.

I decided I needed to be assertive, so I wrote her back and said I wasn't trying to be difficult, but I have certain dietary needs and I don't want to put the burden of meeting those needs on her. She ended up reluctantly agreeing that I can bring a dish, but she needs to know in advance what the dish is so she doesn't repeat ingredients and so she keeps a space empty on the buffet table for my casserole dish. Yes, she does have control issues; and maybe I have some of my own, otherwise I would just shut up and eat whatever was provided and not make waves about it. But I'm doing this for my husband as well as for myself, and I can't afford a "feast day" this early in my journey, as I am at the beginning of it and have a long way to go.

I learned long ago that I can't just assume that people understand my dietary needs. My stepmom thinks she is helping by always having lasagna or ziti, but it's loaded with fatty dairy cheese. Or she'll have diet gelatin with fruit in it for dessert for us. Most people, even when they want to be helpful, really don't know the ins and outs of a diet like this one; nor do they understand what "low fat" means. They think it means two tablespoons of olive oil instead of half a cup, for instance.

Good for you. It took me a few bad experiences to figure out that no matter how well meaning and no matter how clear they were about my dietary needs and how sincere they seemed about "I'll have something you can eat" they never did.

Same here. One of my sisters-in-law proudly presented us with plain salad once, thinking that's all we eat. There was no dressing, no chickpeas, nothing but raw vegetables for us to eat. Her heart was in the right place, but she didn't understand.

Boy, some days I REALLY have to count my blessings. My family tries very hard to always provide something I can--and since they are sort of foodies, they actually know what I eat--eat. Or they are very excepting of me bringing something.
When I spent 10 days in Tenn, the first thing they did was take me to the store to buy the things I needed. And made sure when we went out they went to a place that would work with me.
Then there is the dinner group I go to once a month. They took a little more, you know the old "Just have a little" routine. But now I bring the paper goods--I am the crafty one and have fun, and then I bring a side dish that works for Jim and I.
Last few months they have all tried , and raved about what I brought.
SO I read of the struggles some of you face, and I just send you all the encouragement I have. Stick in there, and hope they will see your progress, and MAYBE they will actually learn something.

Well it's her home and her rules. When I visit someone else's home I follow their rules and when they are in my home they follow my rules. If not, we don't get together.

Hmmmmmm.... I would just lie... ahh bring exactly what you tell her you will and bring extra chick peas, black beans... something that will fill you up if you are still hungry. The whole food industry lies... she is lying to her guests:) in the illusion she is serving them something healthy. If you eat dates.. I would also bring a few with some pecans.. for a personal desert where I wouldn't feel deprived.

Being off the food grid it takes a lot to emotionally take care of self.... remember the film of _The March of The Penguins_ . They all huddle together for the approaching storm and those on the outside of the circle were vulnerable to be blown away. The social food herd mentality is still very present... and the less we defend ourselves and self prepare, the safer we are not to get blown away. Today we are transparent:), we are learning to parent ourself:) in order to take care of everyone else.

Aloha patty

I would have said to her then, 'okay that's fine, I'll bring my own plate of food to eat then'.

Well, I loved the way you handled it and I think it is great she is willing to compromise. I think talking things out was the best solution.

I loved this phrase. I had never thought of it that way before. We are all "off the food grid"



I just make a SAD side dish for holidays. My family likes the overly sweet, butter, marshmallows sweet potatoes dish. Then along with that, I pack up my Mr. Bento with my meal and just show up with my own food. I don't talk about it in advance or ask for special dishes because I know I'll be disappointed or downright frustrated. Last Thanksgiving, I ended up passing around something of mine because others at the table were asking for it. Good for them, actually eating something healthy for a change.

Ron, would you really want to go to someone's home and just eat whatever they provided? If all there was was ham, chicken, and cheese, would you dive in and eat it? I don't care where I am, no one else is going to dictate what I have to eat.

No. I have a sister that cooks all these fancy gourmet meals and I don't go there. About 40 years ago they were at my home and ridiculed the meals we ate and the lack of alcohol. So I've never had them back. For me it's simple; if I don't like their way of life I don't go there and if they don't like my way of life then don't come visit me. So my sister and husband have not visited me since and I'm OK with that.

The way this all works for me is that I do my best to fly under the radar and have it as simple as possible. Also, if you stress about this stuff and fight with people then who knows if the stress is more detrimental than the actual "bad" food.

Sister says "Don't bring food, I'm a control freak, you just bring the wine"

Me: "Ok that's great I'll bring wine"

And then I show up with wine and a dish. Also, an apology costs nothing and is easy to give (just look at our esteemed politicians) so if sister is upset, no biggie "sorry sis".

@Ron: That's hard core. What would happen if you ignored her "ridiculing" and just proceeded with being a loving brother?